Feelings (gross)

Does anyone else think having or showing emotion of any kind is intensely embarrassing? I usually call it gross, but really it's embarrassment that I really feel. Pretty much the only thing I like to feel is amused; I love to laugh and make others laugh, but when it comes down to pretty much any other emotion, feeling it is distasteful. Wouldn't it be delightful to never feel love or hate or sadness or scared or anxious? Only amusement or neutrality, that would be pretty great.

I bring this up because there's a boy, and unlike most boys, this one wants to know how I feel and why. I'm finding it very hard to communicate because saying what you feel usually makes you feel those feelings. I just want them to be buried deep deep deeeeeeeeeep in the farthest reaches of my belly so that no one knows where they are and can pry them out. Plus, this is a new boy and I don't trust him yet. That's probably all of it in a nutshell, I don't trust people so I don't like revealing what I find very personal; my feelings. Once they know how you feel, they can take it and do whatever they want with it, sometimes at the expense of those same feelings. I don't even tell my mom what I'm feeling very often (and I trust her more than anyone else). Especially when I'm angry, because I don't want to be angry and I REALLY don't want her to know I'm angry because my anger is always for a stupid reason. Every single time. All my emotions happen for stupid reasons and I don't like it. They don't make sense so I don't like them.

I mean, think about it. Love doesn't make sense. You can fall in love with a total jerk who is rotten to you. Why? I know this from experience, love does not have nearly as much discretion as it should, it should be far and away more picky. As for hate, it can be the same way. You can hate a perfectly nice person for dumb reasons, such as their voice being too high or their clothes being less modest than you think they should be. People are judgy fucks and this leads them to hate far more than they should. Anxiety, now there's a jar of pickles. It can happen for no reason, just come out all of a sudden. Or it has triggers that don't make sense. I mean, why should I feel anxious at parties? There's no good reason. It all comes down to those silly chemicals in your brain that just seem to release or withhold for no explanation other than they want to or don't. What is the stimuli? It's different for everyone, but why is it? Those chemicals fuck around with you and leave you reeling so often. Maybe it would be best to just boot them out of the system and leave only the ones that help us laugh because laughter is what I really enjoy in life. It's what gets me through my days. All other feelings are gross and nonsensical.