How To Shut The Fuck Up

By: Your girlfriend

Page one: if you think your girlfriend has been drinking too much, you should shut the fuck up.

Feelings (gross)

Does anyone else think having or showing emotion of any kind is intensely embarrassing? I usually call it gross, but really it's embarrassment that I really feel. Pretty much the only thing I like to feel is amused; I love to laugh and make others laugh, but when it comes down to pretty much any other emotion, feeling it is distasteful. Wouldn't it be delightful to never feel love or hate or sadness or scared or anxious? Only amusement or neutrality, that would be pretty great.

I bring this up because there's a boy, and unlike most boys, this one wants to know how I feel and why. I'm finding it very hard to communicate because saying what you feel usually makes you feel those feelings. I just want them to be buried deep deep deeeeeeeeeep in the farthest reaches of my belly so that no one knows where they are and can pry them out. Plus, this is a new boy and I don't trust him yet. That's probably all of it in a nutshell, I don't trust people so I don't like revealing what I find very personal; my feelings. Once they know how you feel, they can take it and do whatever they want with it, sometimes at the expense of those same feelings. I don't even tell my mom what I'm feeling very often (and I trust her more than anyone else). Especially when I'm angry, because I don't want to be angry and I REALLY don't want her to know I'm angry because my anger is always for a stupid reason. Every single time. All my emotions happen for stupid reasons and I don't like it. They don't make sense so I don't like them.

I mean, think about it. Love doesn't make sense. You can fall in love with a total jerk who is rotten to you. Why? I know this from experience, love does not have nearly as much discretion as it should, it should be far and away more picky. As for hate, it can be the same way. You can hate a perfectly nice person for dumb reasons, such as their voice being too high or their clothes being less modest than you think they should be. People are judgy fucks and this leads them to hate far more than they should. Anxiety, now there's a jar of pickles. It can happen for no reason, just come out all of a sudden. Or it has triggers that don't make sense. I mean, why should I feel anxious at parties? There's no good reason. It all comes down to those silly chemicals in your brain that just seem to release or withhold for no explanation other than they want to or don't. What is the stimuli? It's different for everyone, but why is it? Those chemicals fuck around with you and leave you reeling so often. Maybe it would be best to just boot them out of the system and leave only the ones that help us laugh because laughter is what I really enjoy in life. It's what gets me through my days. All other feelings are gross and nonsensical.

Adult Response to Teenage "Shittiness"

Let's talk about teenagers today. I was a very shitty teenager. I was born with an infinite rebellious and independent streak, and when you mixed that with hormones and the stress of my parents divorcing and my mom remarrying, you get a really shitty teenager. My mom claims she doesn't remember me being shitty. I think she's just blocked out the memory. 

Anyway, when I was this shitty teenager, I had planned out my suicide. I was already a burner (as opposed to cutter, knives freak me out) and I was miserable enough to take it a step farther. I didn't. Obviously. The reason is, somehow I ended up at my aunt and uncle's house over the summer babysitting their three kids. This got me out of my miserable situation, it gave me someone to talk to about whatever I wanted (my aunt) and it gave me something to focus my attention on. I spent several summers with them and I was happy there. The school years were misery, though, and I almost did not make it through my last one with my step-dad. I begged and pleaded with my mom to let me live with my aunt and uncle full time, and she finally granted my wish. Shortly after, she moved to the same town as my aunt and uncle, divorced my step-dad, and I moved back in with her. I'm sorry to say this wasn't the end to my shittiness, but it was, in general, the end to my misery and suicidal tendencies.

There is a point to all of this, I promise you. Fast forward ten or so years and here I am typing away angrily at my keyboard. This is because I know personally that even shitty teenagers can turn out fine, I am a testament to this. I have a degree, I like the work I do when I am employed in work relating to my degree, I have a large amount of freedom, and I travel several times a year. I consider myself a success, but I still remember my shitty teenage days and how miserable they were. The reason I bring this up is because I find myself involved from a short distance in a similar situation. My cousin is a bit of a shitty teenager. He feels miserable, suicidal, and he's attempted to run away. He feels like his (adopted) father has taken away his mother, and to a large degree that's true, but he also feels that this father has ruined his life. I'm sure there are many more factors and I'm just as sure that I can predict what all or most of them are. 

Today this cousin has found himself in the hospital because the cops think he is suicidal. This happened after he ran away and his father tried to bring him back several times. All of my family thinks that he needs to be hospitalized, he needs help (I assume in the form of doctors, psychiatrists, and medicine), etc. I think they have it wrong. I think he needs a complete change of scene. If he's a shitty teenager in the same way that I was, he is going to reject all of these because he doesn't want them. He just desperately wants to get away, no matter what the method of that escape is. I'm angry because I encountered this same thinking when I was his age and it was not helpful, to say the least. I feel that when adults begin to have teenaged kids, they forget what it was like to be teenagers, or maybe they don't have comparable experiences to help them in dealing with these kids. These adults all more-or-less had great childhoods. I didn't. My cousin didn't have a great childhood either. So the adults treat their problem teenager with fear and drugs while what they really need is something else. A change of scene, maybe more focused attention on them, stuff like that. It sucks to feel like you are on the back burner, but when you are around someone that gives you a lot of attention and listens to you and actively appreciates you, it's so different. I'm pissed because these adults don't understand and think that hospitalization will help their teenager feel less rejected, miserable, unloved, etc. I could be wrong, but I don't think it will. I remember what that was like, and I know deep down that these things are the wrong things. 

But my mom has already more-or-less rejected the thoughts I've had. Her rejection takes the form of not responding. It's the same sort of silent rejection she gives to people that annoy her. She thinks I'm wrong. But, as I've already mentioned, she doesn't remember my shitty teenager stage. Or maybe she just silently rejected it and moved on, I don't know. My grandma vehemently insists that hospitalization will help because it helped with a different cousin. Those two situations are completely different, and I just as vehemently argued so. She was surprised at the outburst which gave me time to walk away. I'm angry that no one listens. Why is it so hard to believe that letting your kid go stay somewhere completely different will help them? You are not transferring the problem on someone else's shoulders, you are taking the problem away from the teenager. You are not giving up on your kid, you are giving them a chance. It's not like you won't see them again, you can still visit, call, text, whatever, and you should. But I think adults view that as a failure and instead choose other means of controlling their shitty teen. Hormones are complicated, especially teenage ones, but they aren't a problem that you fix with drugs, they are a concoction that balances with time and patience, with catering your response to the teenagers needs, not by doping them up or putting them away. I think more young(ish) adults (I'm 25) should stand up and talk about their shitty teenager years and what helped or hindered their progression through it and then maybe, just maybe these parents will start altering their views and acting towards their teenagers in a more productive way. So tell me about your shitty teenage years, those of you who survived it successfully. Tell me what YOU would recommend for this cousin, what helped YOU.